Fully Sick

This is something I wouldn’t have thought of to use as a sex aid, but a man caught in a no-go zone at Queensland’s Nobby Beach, thought otherwise,as reported on News.com.au :

A man caught by police with his penis submerged in a pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest.

He took off when police tried to question him and even continued his pasta sauce dipping as police tried to wrestle the jar from him. This story is just too sick! The guy ended up with a $600 fine and his name spashed all over the internet. What a loser.

It reminds me of the story I was told about a dill pickle that sat in the jar in the fridge for a long time, and when a flat-mate went to eat it, the woman was hysterical, telling him no, you don’t know where that’s been!

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I couldn’t help having a chuckle over this story: Man’s penis stuck in park bench.:

At least a dozen police and emergency services workers were called to the park in Hong Kong after 41-year-old Le Xing’s penis became trapped in a hole, apparently after he became aroused.

Didn’t he know that steel park benches are not flexible? This is one of those times where the head stops thinking and the other head takes over.

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Police are searching for a man who robbed a Brisbane service station armed with a fluorescent light bulb.

The offender, who's been described as chubby, walked into the Shell service station at Breakfast Creek in Brisbane's north about 4.45am (AEST) today and demanded money, police said.

He used the fluorescent light tube to threaten a female worker, before fleeing the scene on foot with a sum of cash. He must have grabbed the nearest potential weapon and a light bulb was all he could come up with. I think if it was me, I probably would have laughed in his face.

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1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat - use the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs .

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There's been some funny stories in the news this Easter Long Weekend.

A shoplifter looking to make a quick getaway from a Dutch supermarket after stealing a packet of meat left police a crucial piece of evidence -- his 12-year-old son.

Read the full story

In other news, a British cash machine became a big hit this week after it started paying out twice as much money as it should. I wish I was there at the time.

Read the full story

This guy must have been high.

An Australian man's complaint of an break-in at his home went to pot Friday when police arrested him for growing marijuana.

The 35-year-old man in the central Australian city of Adelaide called police to report that six men had broken into his house through a window and stolen parts of his cannabis plants.

Read the full story

Sometimes it pays to have your own wheels.

Two teenage suspects in a convenience store robbery in Oakville, Ontario, near Toronto, may have made a clean escape had they thought to bring a getaway car along for the heist.

Instead, the men fled the store on foot with an undisclosed amount of money, and then called for a taxi -- which showed up with two police officers inside.

Read the full story

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1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like iced Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Custard. Fruit mince. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like fruit mince, have two apples and one custard. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great Christmas season!

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Here's an idea for a Christmas present for someone you're not particularly fond of.... Ouch!!

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DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MUMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

And when all else fails, and life just blows....

Posted at 9:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

So Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Can you squeeze through?"

Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, it's from the Pope."

So Saint Peter opens it up and reads it.

'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

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I need a favour please!!

My neighbour has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).

It's a Dachshund, its house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'.

I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

Posted at 6:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...

While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."

Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

"How soon can I go home?"

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You'd start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old peoples home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready to start school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then.......... you spend the last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

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Here's a novel way to stop those weiners burning on the BBQ. They make a great talking point too.

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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man, and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of women? " God said, "Ah, yes, I am."

"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, You have some major design flaws in Your Invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion,
   
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds,
   
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much,
   
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust,
   
5. . . And the maintenance costs are Outrageous!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on while I check the data." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.

"Well, it may be true that My invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding MY invention than yours."

Posted at 1:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My arse was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new arse was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

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Oops! Is that Dad sweating or did I feel so comfortable I forgot where I was? And what are you looking at anyway?

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A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants.

The children were given green-ware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely.

Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy plant, and the children were then allowed to take them home.

The teacher said cactus "seemed like a good idea at the time"...

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I've had several comments from people wanting to know where to get the mood badges and if they're available to buy. I came across a website called oneposter.com where you can buy "rude humour badges" for around 80c each. There's literally hundreds to choose from. Here's just a few that tickled my fancy.

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How funny is this? And how typically Australian to get to the root of the matter!!

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and at a cost of $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After a cost of $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

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Cranes use it for courtship, hippos to mark territory, and frogs for camouflage. Humans mostly flush it as fast as they can.

A new exhibit at the Miami MetroZoo is set to open minds about this omnipresent, versatile, little loved yet practical byproduct of life on Earth.

It's called "The Scoop on Poop," and it's based on a book Canadian author and photographer Wayne Lynch about the way animals and humans use fecal matter.

The exhibit even includes a touchable Coprolite, a fossilized piece of turd tossed by a Tyrannosaurus Rex 80 million years ago.

On Monday 23 October police released a CCTV image of a man who has struck on at least 30 trains since August.

He waits until he is alone before committing the offence, smearing excrement inside carriages.

On October 26 British Transport Police charged a man in relation to a series of alleged vandalism attacks on trains across Croydon and the south east.

In other news, police were hot on the trail of a suspect they've dubbed the Happy Crapper.

He's broken into nine houses on the Mountain since July. He's stolen thousands of dollars worth of jewellery, cash and small electronics. He took a cop's badge from one house. He's busted in doors and ransacked rooms.

Most disturbing of all, though, wasn't what he was taking. It was what he was leaving behind.

He's defecated at seven scenes. Usually he leaves his calling card in the back yard. Once on the kitchen floor. At another place, he left feces in a bikini and on the bed sheets.

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Have you ever flicked through the newspaper and come across a fully sick wanted ad? Check these out:

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Score two points for every yes answer. Keep a running total and check out which bandwidth you're in, and just how sleazy you are.

Scoring

Go on... take the quiz...

Continue reading "How Sleazy Are You?" »

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Pick the one that fits you best for today's mood, and wear it proudly. Click the image to get the true-size image to print. Just press <CTRL> + P on your keyboard, and the pop-up window will print. If nothing pops up you probably have popups blocked. You can allow popups for sites that you choose.

Continue reading "Mood Badges" »

Posted at 7:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (1) |

Office Memo:

Would all persons on staff please note that there will only one drink provided at this year's Christmas Party. Could everyone please bring their own cup?

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This doesn't need any comment, but it does make you wonder how some people spend their time.

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1. I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work.

2. Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'

3. A fool and his money are soon partying

4. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them

5. I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth

6. Give Blood Play Hockey

7. Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter

8. I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.

9. Forget about world peace...visualize using your turn signal

10. Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them

11. If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them

12. Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.

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