Spitting Into the Wind

I'm the parent of two teenagers, Carly 15 and Alex 13. I've also written lots of posts recently about teenagers out of control. I saw this photo and had an urge to put it all over town.

Posted at 9:08 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Posted at 9:06 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

(I thought this was such a lovely, funny story that I just had to share it!)

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,' Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.] "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.]

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica come along.

Posted at 6:24 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

Posted at 7:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

This has got to be one of the cleverest emails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Posted at 7:33 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

This one is for the women, who are sure to get a great laugh out of this. And a pay-back for all the blonde jokes.

• Men are like.... Laxatives.... They irritate the crap out of you.
• Men are like.... Bananas.... The older they get, the less firm they are.
• Men are like.... Weather.... Nothing can be done to change them.
• Men are like.... Blenders.... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
• Men are like.... Chocolate Bars.... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
• Men are like.... Commercials.... You can't believe a word they say.
• Men are like.... Department Stores.... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
• Men are like.... Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.
• Men are like.... Mascara.... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
• Men are like.... Popcorn.... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
• Men are like.... Snowstorms.... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
• Men are like.... Lava Lamps.... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
• Men are like.... Parking Spots.... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Posted at 12:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |

How to stop old people from bugging you about getting married...
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals..

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Arithmetic

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations and Statistics

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Longevity

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Propensity to Change

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Discussion Technique

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Posted at 7:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0) |